Gymnastics

I'm possibly quitting gymnastics at the end of next week.

It's not that I don't like the sport any more - it's just that, since I'm most likely leaving in August for a year abroad, I have no motivation to learn any new skills. It's not like I'm ever going to compete again. And doing gymnastics in Sweden probably isn't something I'll do - I have a team here, and it'd be wrong to have another one.

It's also just my body aches a lot of the time and my wrists are getting worse and my back keeps twitching. My body's not willing to work the way I need it to to do gymnastics anymore.

I've been a little down because of this. I've been doing gymnastics for fourteen years. I'm still not sure if this is what I really want. I'm probably just going to take a month off to explore other options and see if I want to go back.

But I'm most likely done. I keep feeling like my heart is cracking down the middle, especially when one of my guy friends keeps making fun of gymnastics and calling it a loser sport - because it isn't. It was my life for fourteen years. It brought me to my highest highs and lowest lows. It gave me friends, strength and courage. Yeah, it might have crushed my spine to the point where I'm never going to be taller than 5'2, but I have more muscle pound-for-pound than the normal population.

It's what saved me when my mom was still here and last year when I had no one. I hate it when people make fun of it, and I hate that my body hurts enough that I have to leave. I hate how none of my friends see how much this is tearing me apart and how guilty I feel every time I go into the gym and I can't give the workout my all.

I just feel like I'm cracking down the middle, and I haven't even quit yet.

Most of all, I feel like a loser for giving up such a key part of my life and losing a chunk of my idenity.