Court Dismissed

"She pushed me down the hill so she could cash in on my life insurance!" Jack roared, slamming his hand onto the sleek, dark wood of the persecutor's table, nearly missing his lawyer's arm. Jill sneered at him from across the room, twirling her shiny golden hair around her chubby child fingers, bright blue eyes openly mocking.

"You slipped, Jack dear," she replied scathingly, wrinkling her pert button nose, "As did I. I fell too, and I have the witnesses to prove it!"

Jack's face flushed redder than any of the roses in the Queen of Heart's garden, dark green eyes flashing with rage. "You only did that so it wouldn't appear suspicious! I was the one who ended up in the emergency room with critical injuries while you got a band-aid and lollipop!"

"It's not my fault I landed in a field of buttercups while you landed in that creek!"

"It was your suggestion for us to go get water from that stupid well on top of that stupid hill, so I bet you were planning this from the start! Sucks I didn't die, eh, Jill?"

The judge was starting to get a headache. Really, he hated presiding over cases between nursery characters. They were always so immature, stealing each other's tarts and pushing giant eggs – which were an endangered species, for starters, so in that they were pushing it around they were already breaking the law – off giant walls and then hiring the king's horses to do their dirty work and take care of cleanup.

He almost wished he'd pulled the Cinderella abuse case, as his friend Judge Matthews who had taken that case said it was a piece of cake and he'd have the ruling within a week – but then he remembered that in dealing with Cinderella, he'd also need to take on her ugly stepsisters and stepmother. Matthews's descriptions of the three ladies had not been flattering.

"Well, you never put away your toys and you cheat on your taxes!" Jill was screeching, two crimson spots of rage lighting up her face, still rounded by baby-fat. The judge decided he hated the motion that had been passed years before, that said since the nursery and fairytale characters had been beloved throughout time, they might as well forget the ages they looked to be and let everyone have their shot at winning a case.

"I cheat on my taxes?! What about you?! You deducted those stilettos you bought as a "necessary item" so you wouldn't need to pay three hundred more dollars on them!"

The judge didn't want to know what Jill – delicate, slender, blonde, eight-years-old Jill – was doing with a pair of stilettos. Someone should have killed these characters before they made it to the twenty-first century, in his opinion. Rampant materialism had not helped with their various disorders as it was, and Sleeping Beauty had nearly gone into bankruptcy buying energy drinks so she could stay awake.

"They are a necessary item, you git! How else am I suppose to be invited to all the hottest parties?! Rapunzel doesn't invite anyone who doesn't have the latest fashions!"

"Rapunzel is a whore and you know it!"

The judge sneaked a glance at the clock, praying it was time to go. He bit back a groan as he saw he needed to be here for five more minutes before he could dismiss the court for the day, go home, open up a bottle of whisky and try to forget about the whole matter.

Jill and Jack were screeching at each other at such volume that the judge figured they wouldn't be able to hear him anyway, no matter what he said, so he doodled on top of his stand, trying to keep up the impression of being wise and thoughtful as he nodded occasionally at something the children were screaming. It wasn't like he could ignore it.

He breathed a quiet sigh of relief when the clock hit five and he could stand up and announce, mock-gravely, that the court was adjourned for the day. He could still hear Jack and Jill's accusations from down the hall as he pulled off his wig and judge's robes.

His colleague judge Kenny Inslee joined him as he walked down the lavishly decorated hallways, footsteps echoing with every step he took. "Make any progress with the Jack and Jill case?" he puffed, tying long dark hair to the back of his neck.

He groaned, pressing the heel of his hand to his forehead. "They were screaming the whole time. What about you and the Snow White case?"

"Snow White is denying that she made her stepmom dance in red-hot iron shoes recently. Disney sort of took that part away from her, so she thinks she can't be convicted for it." Kenny scowled, lines building up between his bushy eyebrows. "The stepmom's suing her for the damage done over the last three hundred years, which in total amounts to nearly five billion dollars."

"That much?"

"Well, she couldn't exactly get foot reconstruction surgery back two hundred years ago, now could she?
Most of it is recent work, plus the costs of the wheelchair she'd needed and the shoes to hide the damage. Plus, since Snow White sold out to Disney, she can get enough money to pay it."

"What are you going to rule?"

Kenny shrugged, shouldering his bag. "I don't know – this isn't as much of a clear-cut case as the Cinderella one. Jay lucked out, honestly, even though he has to deal with the ugliest women to have ever been written about." He shuddered. "Anyway, I gotta head home. The wife wants to go out for dinner. See you later."

"Yeah. See you."

Fairytales were honestly more of a pain than they were worth, the judge decided as he headed for his car. But really, all their petty fights kept him with a great salary.